Psychologist Anna Heal

Robert, thank you for your vulnerable and important question. Your situation is a common and painful one, where the demands of a career begin to erode the foundation of a long-term marriage. To answer directly, yes, a pattern of workaholism can severely damage a marriage and intimate connection, but it is not necessarily a permanent destruction. The good news is your awareness is the first and most crucial step toward change.

Workaholism, which you describe perfectly with long hours, bringing work home, and constant preoccupation, acts as a powerful barrier to intimacy. It is not just about physical absence; it creates an emotional and psychological absence. When you are physically present but mentally consumed by work stress, your wife experiences you as unavailable. This leads to her feeling neglected and emotionally abandoned, while you feel exhausted and irritable, creating a vicious cycle of disconnection. Your capacity for intimacy is not gone; it is being suffocated by chronic stress and exhaustion, which depletes the emotional and physical resources needed for closeness.

Reconnecting will require intentional effort, but it is entirely possible. Begin by having an open, non-blaming conversation with your wife. Acknowledge her feelings and your own role in the dynamic without making excuses. This can be a starting point for rebuilding trust. Then, you must establish clear and non-negotiable boundaries with your work. This could mean designating specific times when work devices are off, protecting weekend time, or even discussing workload with your employer. The goal is to create protected space for your relationship.

Within that protected space, start small. Intimacy is built through consistent, quality presence, not grand gestures. Commit to a regular, short activity together with no distractions-a walk, a coffee, listening to music. The focus should be on being emotionally present, not on forcing intimacy. As you reduce work-related stress and increase positive, low-pressure interactions, your energy and capacity for deeper connection, including sexual intimacy, can naturally begin to return. Consider seeking the support of a couples therapist who specializes in long-term relationships and work-life balance. They can provide a neutral space to facilitate these conversations and help you both develop new patterns of connection. Your marriage of 30 years represents a deep foundation. With conscious effort to prioritize your relationship, you can rebuild the closeness you miss.