Psychologist Anna Heal

Harold, your experience resonates with many adults who find themselves in a similar season of life, and it’s clear you are grappling with feelings that are deeply impactful, even if they lack the overt sadness we often associate with depression. What you describe-a persistent sense of emptiness, a loss of interest in activities you once loved, and a blank, almost numb apathy-suggests that you may be experiencing clinical depression. This is especially relevant as your symptoms extend beyond momentary low moods and have lasted for eight months, affecting your daily functioning, relationships, and even basic desires like eating or intimacy. It’s not unusual for depression to manifest as anhedonia, the inability to feel pleasure, rather than noticeable sorrow. Your physical health has been ruled out as a contributing factor, which further points toward a psychological explanation.

That said, it’s also possible to interpret some of these feelings as part of an existential shift. Turning 50 can bring a reevaluation of one’s life purpose, career, and relationships, which sometimes leads to what we call a midlife crisis. However, the hallmark of a midlife crisis often involves restlessness and a desire for change-like wanting a sports car or new job-whereas you don’t seem driven by those impulses. Instead, you feel stagnant and disconnected, more consistent with depressive symptoms than existential distress alone.

The line between the two isn’t always sharp, and sometimes they coexist. What troubles me most in your description is the passive death wish you mention, the idea that not waking up would be easier. While you may not classify this as a suicidal thought, it still signals a significant emotional withdrawal that warrants attention. It’s important to acknowledge that depression at this stage of life can be subtle but no less serious, particularly because it can go unnoticed or mistaken for general fatigue. You are feeling so detached that motivation is nonexistent, and that clearly indicates your emotional needs are not being met.

The fact that you are concerned about medication due to your history of heart palpitations is also an important consideration. As a psychologist, I can tell you that there are various forms of therapy, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which can be highly effective in addressing depression by helping you reframe negative thought patterns and rebuild motivation. Additionally, mindfulness-based interventions have shown promise for individuals who feel disconnected from their emotions or their surroundings. These approaches may help you rediscover the joy in small things and gradually reconnect with your passions. It’s also vital to involve your family in this process. Though your wife and children may not yet know how to react, sharing your struggle with them could provide a supportive foundation as you begin to rebuild your sense of purpose.

Practical steps to consider include setting small, achievable goals each day, even if it starts with something as simple as a short walk around the block or reopening your chess app for just a few minutes. The key is to reintroduce structure and a sense of achievement without overwhelming yourself. It’s also important to consider how your loss of interest in work may tie into feelings of stagnation or lack of fulfillment. Perhaps exploring new creative outlets within architecture or engaging with communities of fellow enthusiasts could reignite some of the interest you once felt. Give yourself permission to experiment and feel no pressure to find a quick fix.

Your body and mind deserve care, and reaching out for professional help is not a sign of weakness but a step toward reclaiming your vitality and sense of self. If your symptoms continue to weigh on you, I strongly recommend consulting with a clinical psychologist who specializes in adult depression or midlife challenges. Taking that step could be the most important action you take to regain your footing. Please remember, even if this isn’t a crisis, it’s still meaningful. Your life still has chapters worth living.