Psychologist Anna Heal

What you describe sounds painful, and it also makes sense in the context of remote work and friends living elsewhere. Feeling lonely does not mean you are bad at relationships or that you need to become unusually outgoing. It may mean that the regular, low pressure contact that helps friendships grow is missing, while fear of judgment is making it harder to create new contact. You can work on both the practical opportunities for connection and the anxious thoughts that keep you from using them.

Start by making the goal smaller than finding a close friend. At a meetup, aim to have one brief conversation or learn one person's name, rather than making a strong impression or staying until the end. You might open with a question about the event, what brought them there, or how they got interested in the subject. Then share a little about yourself and ask a follow up question. Conversation does not need to be brilliant. A simple exchange with some curiosity and attention is often enough to make a second interaction easier.

It can help to prepare a few openers and exit lines in advance, not as a script you must follow, but as a way to reduce the pressure of inventing words on the spot. For example, you could say, I am new to this group, how did you find it? Or, I have enjoyed talking with you, I am going to get a drink, perhaps I will see you again later. Give yourself permission to take short breaks, and try putting your phone away for a defined stretch of time. Checking it can offer quick relief, but it may also signal that you are unavailable and keep you from noticing approachable moments.

Choose settings that naturally bring people together more than once. A recurring class, sports group, volunteer role, board game night, professional community, or regular coworking session can be easier than a one off event because you do not have to build familiarity from zero each time. Shared activity also gives you something to talk about. Genuine connection often grows through repeated, ordinary contact, rather than one perfect conversation. Consider trying one or two options for several weeks before deciding whether they suit you.

Initiating plans is a skill, not a test of whether someone values you. Keep invitations specific, warm, and easy to accept or decline. For example, I am going to try the new cafe Saturday afternoon, would you like to join me? If this week is busy, no worries. A decline may reflect timing, energy, or other commitments, rather than a judgment of you. If someone cannot make it but suggests another time, that is useful information. If they decline without suggesting an alternative, you can leave the door open and invest in other relationships without needing to draw a firm conclusion from one reply.

For texting, send the message before you have polished it into something flawless. A small, personal note is enough, such as, I saw something that reminded me of our conversation, how have you been? Or, I have missed catching up, are you free for a call sometime next week? Most people do not experience a friendly message as a burden. You can make it considerate by giving them room to respond when they are able, rather than apologizing repeatedly for reaching out. Connection depends more on sincere interest and follow through than on finding the perfect words.

When you notice thoughts such as, I will seem needy, they will think I am awkward, or I am bothering them, treat them as predictions rather than facts. Ask yourself what evidence supports the thought, what evidence does not, and what you would say to a friend in the same situation. You might replace it with, I cannot know how they will respond, and a respectful invitation is a reasonable thing to offer. You do not have to wait until you feel confident. Often confidence grows after you take manageable steps and discover that you can cope with mixed responses.

Try a gradual practice plan. For example, send one message to a friend this week, attend one recurring activity, and start one brief conversation there. Afterwards, note what you did, what felt difficult, and what went better than expected. Measure success by taking the step, not only by whether you made a friend immediately. If an event feels overwhelming, staying ten minutes longer than usual or speaking to one person may be a meaningful experiment. You can adjust the pace so that it stretches you without becoming an ordeal.

Also consider the friendships you already have, even at a distance. A regular call, shared online activity, or a standing monthly plan can restore some continuity. You might tell a close friend plainly that you miss being in touch and would like to make a routine of catching up. At the same time, try not to rely on one person to meet every social need. A wider mix of casual acquaintances, activity partners, and close friends can make connection feel more sustainable.

If loneliness continues to deepen, affects your sleep, motivation, or daily functioning, or makes social situations feel increasingly difficult, speaking with a psychologist could help. You could work together on fear of judgment, avoidance, and practical ways to build connection at a pace that feels manageable. You do not have to eliminate awkwardness before you belong. The aim is to make room for it while taking small, repeated steps toward the kind of relationships you want.