Psychologist Anna Heal

Margaret, thank you for sharing this deeply personal and painful situation. It is a common and understandable experience in long-term relationships to feel a shift in connection, especially after major life transitions like children leaving home. To your first question, it is not uncommon for the initial passionate love to evolve, but it is not inevitable or healthy for love to simply disappear and be replaced by a lonely coexistence. What you are describing often signals a loss of intentional emotional engagement, not an endpoint.

Yes, a relationship can often be revived, even after significant distance. The process is challenging when one partner is resistant, but it is possible. The starting point typically lies with you, as the partner who desires change. You cannot force your husband to participate, but you can change your own patterns in ways that may gently shift the dynamic. Begin by focusing on self-care and rebuilding your own life. Pursue interests, friendships, and activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. This can reduce your dependence on the marriage for all emotional needs and can sometimes make you a more engaging partner.

Instead of proposing formal date nights or counseling, which he may see as pressure, try to initiate low-pressure, positive interactions. This could be sharing a quiet cup of coffee together in the morning, asking for his opinion on something small, or reminiscing about a positive shared memory. The goal is to create small moments of connection without an agenda. When you talk, practice expressing your feelings using I statements, such as I feel lonely when we dont talk about our day, rather than accusatory you statements that might make him defensive.

You might also consider seeking individual counseling for yourself. It can provide a supportive space to process your grief, clarify your needs, and develop strategies for communicating with your husband. A therapist can help you explore your options and boundaries. Sometimes, when one partner begins to make positive changes, it can create a ripple effect. However, it is crucial to prepare for the possibility that he may not change. In that case, counseling can help you decide what you need for your own happiness and well-being moving forward. The journey to reconnect starts with a single, often difficult, step of focusing on what you can control. Please know that your feelings are valid, and your desire for a deeper connection is a sign of hope, not a failure.