Psychologist Anna Heal

Elias, your concern for Lila’s emotional well-being is clear, and you’re navigating a complex situation with care. The key here is to prioritize Lila’s emotional security while maintaining boundaries that don’t escalate conflict between you and your ex-wife. Let’s break this down into actionable steps, focusing on what you can control and how to support Lila without taking sides or worsening the co-parenting dynamic.

First, it’s important to recognize that Lila’s behavior-her outbursts, resistance, and feelings of being ‘replaced’-are likely expressions of unresolved grief, anxiety, or a sense of instability tied to the separation and the changes in her family structure. At 10 years old, children are old enough to feel the emotional weight of divorce but often lack the vocabulary or coping skills to articulate it. Her statement that her mom ‘doesn’t understand her like you do’ may not be a literal comparison but a cry for consistency, validation, or reassurance in a time of upheaval. It’s also possible she’s picking up on subtle tensions between you and your ex, even if you both believe you’re maintaining a cordial relationship.

Your instinct to avoid forcing Lila into visits is understandable, but it’s equally important to avoid reinforcing the idea that she can opt out of time with her mother entirely. Instead, focus on helping her tolerate discomfort while feeling heard. Start by creating a safe space for her to express her feelings without judgment. Rather than asking direct questions like, ‘Why don’t you want to go?’-which might make her defensive-try reflective statements or open-ended prompts. For example, ‘It seems like you’ve been feeling really upset before your visits with Mom lately. I wonder if there’s something on your mind you’d like to talk about.’ If she clams up, that’s okay. Let her know you’re there to listen whenever she’s ready. Sometimes, children open up more during low-pressure activities, like drawing, driving, or walking together.

When she does share, validate her emotions without validating any narrative that pits one parent against the other. For instance, if she says, ‘Mom doesn’t understand me,’ you might respond, ‘It sounds like you’re feeling really lonely or misunderstood right now. That’s got to be hard. Do you want to tell me more about what that feels like?’ Avoid agreeing or disagreeing with her perception of her mother. Instead, help her name her emotions: ‘It seems like you’re feeling left out when Mom’s new partner is around. That makes sense-change can feel scary.’ This approach acknowledges her pain while keeping the door open for her to explore her feelings without feeling like she has to choose sides.

It’s also worth considering whether Lila’s aversion to visits is tied to specific triggers, such as her mother’s new relationship. Children often struggle with a parent’s new partner because it symbolizes the finality of the separation or stirs fears of being replaced. If Lila mentions feeling ‘replaced,’ you can reassure her that her mother’s love for her isn’t conditional or finite. You might say, ‘I know it might feel like Mom’s new friend is taking up space that used to be just for you. But Mom’s love for you is its own special thing-it doesn’t go away just because she’s spending time with someone else.’ If possible, encourage your ex-wife to have one-on-one time with Lila without her partner present, at least initially, to help Lila adjust.

Now, let’s address the co-parenting tension. Your ex-wife’s dismissal of Lila’s behavior as ‘dramatic’ suggests she may not fully grasp the emotional impact of the separation on Lila-or she may feel criticized or defensive when you bring it up. To avoid escalating conflict, frame your concerns in terms of Lila’s needs rather than your ex’s parenting. For example, instead of saying, ‘Lila doesn’t want to go to your house because she feels replaced,’ you might say, ‘Lila’s been struggling with some big feelings lately, and I think she could use extra reassurance from both of us. Maybe we could talk about ways to make her visits feel more comfortable for her?’ This shifts the focus to problem-solving rather than blame. If your ex remains unresponsive, you may need to accept that you can’t control her approach, but you can control how you support Lila in your home.

As for whether to suggest family therapy, it’s a viable option, but the timing and approach matter. If you propose it, your ex might perceive it as an implication that she’s failing as a parent, which could backfire. Instead, you might introduce it as a resource for Lila: ‘I’ve been thinking it could help Lila to have someone neutral to talk to about all these changes. What do you think about finding a therapist for her?’ If your ex is open to it, look for a child therapist specializing in divorce or family transitions. If she’s resistant, you can still seek therapy for Lila on your own, as long as you’re transparent with your ex about the goal: supporting Lila’s emotional health, not assigning blame. Alternatively, you could start with a few sessions for yourself to gain tools for navigating this dynamic, which might indirectly benefit Lila.

In the meantime, there are concrete steps you can take at home to help Lila feel more secure. Establish predictable routines around transitions, such as a calming activity before she leaves for her mom’s or a check-in when she returns. You might create a ‘feelings journal’ where she can draw or write about her emotions, or use a worry doll or stuffed animal as a ‘transition buddy’ to take with her to her mom’s house. These small rituals can provide a sense of control in a situation that feels unpredictable. Additionally, reinforce that both her parents love her unconditionally, even if the family looks different now. Avoid speaking negatively about your ex, even subtly, as children often internalize criticism of one parent as criticism of themselves.

If Lila’s resistance to visits continues or escalates, it may be worth consulting a professional to rule out more serious issues, such as parental alienation or anxiety disorders. However, based on what you’ve described, her behavior seems more aligned with adjustment difficulties rather than a pathological process. The goal isn’t to ‘fix’ her feelings but to help her develop resilience and coping skills while maintaining her relationship with both parents. Remember, children are incredibly perceptive-they pick up on unspoken tensions, so modeling calm, consistent, and cooperative co-parenting (even if it’s just on your end) can go a long way in making her feel safe.

Finally, take care of your own emotional well-being. Co-parenting tensions can be draining, and your ability to support Lila depends on your own stability. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, consider speaking to a therapist yourself to process your feelings and gain additional strategies. You’re doing a difficult job well by seeking help and prioritizing Lila’s needs, and that in itself is a powerful message to her: she is loved, her feelings matter, and she doesn’t have to navigate this alone.