Psychologist Anna Heal

Dear Mira, what you are experiencing sounds very much like a form of caregiver burnout, which is quite common among adoptive parents facing the unique challenges of attachment and trauma in children. The constant hyper-vigilance and emotional investment you describe can drain your emotional reserves, leaving you vulnerable to exhaustion and the kind of coping mechanisms you mentioned, such as binge eating. Your body's response of turning to food as a comfort is understandable when you feel mentally and emotionally overwhelmed. It’s important to recognize that this is not a failure on your part, but a human response to stress.

Your sensitivity to bright, chaotic colors and your preference for softer hues is also a sign that your nervous system is seeking calm. Creating a more neutral environment is a legitimate way to soothe your anxiety, not a selfish or controlling act. In fact, managing your external environment to support your inner calm can help you be more present and effective for your children.

Breaking the cycle begins with acknowledging that you need rest and support. This may mean setting boundaries around your caregiving roles, even if they feel difficult. Reaching out for additional support, whether through therapy, support groups for adoptive parents, or respite care, can provide you with a necessary break and validation of your feelings. It’s essential to prioritize your self-care, even in small, manageable ways, such as brief moments of mindfulness, gentle movement, or connecting with friends, to replenish your emotional energy.

Regarding food as a coping mechanism, rather than trying to eliminate this behavior immediately, you might explore gradually replacing it with other soothing activities that fulfill your brain’s need for distraction and comfort. This could be engaging in a favorite hobby, listening to calming music, or practicing deep breathing exercises before bedtime. It’s okay to start small and be gentle with yourself in this process.

You mentioned positive affirmations feel empty during meltdowns, and this is common because deep emotional distress often requires more than words. You might find it helpful to pair affirmations with grounding techniques, such as focusing on the breath or a tactile object, to anchor yourself in the present moment and reduce overwhelm.

Your husband’s support is valuable, and perhaps having a candid conversation about your needs for shared responsibilities or understanding might help him appreciate your experience more deeply. Remember, the love you have for your children is powerful, and seeking help to sustain your well-being is part of loving them well.

In summary, you are facing caregiver burnout that involves emotional exhaustion and coping behaviors. Creating a calm environment, setting boundaries, seeking support, practicing self-care, and gradually shifting coping strategies can help you break the cycle. If your feelings persist or intensify, consider consulting a psychologist who can offer tailored guidance to navigate this complex journey.