Psychologist Anna Heal

Hello Leo. Thank you for sharing your situation. It is very common for couples, especially when navigating the demands of early adulthood, to experience a phase where connection feels diminished. What you are describing-a shift from passionate partnership to a cohabiting routine-is often termed emotional or relational drift. Your feelings of anxiety and sadness are valid signals that your need for intimacy is not being met. The good news is that this pattern can be changed with conscious, mutual effort.

The first and most crucial step is to initiate an open, non-blaming conversation. Choose a calm, neutral time-not when you are both tired or distracted-and express your feelings using "I" statements. For example, you could say, "I have been feeling a bit distant lately, and I miss our close connection. I would love for us to find ways to spend more meaningful time together." The goal is not to accuse her of being disinterested but to share your emotional experience and invite her to share hers. Her response will give you essential information about whether she is also feeling dissatisfied and is willing to work on it.

Often, in these dynamics, both partners feel the disconnect but are stuck in a cycle of parallel routines. You mentioned suggesting dates, which is a positive action. However, it might be helpful to reframe shared activities to reduce pressure. Instead of planning a formal "date," which can feel like an added obligation after a long workday, propose low-effort, high-connection activities. This could be cooking a simple meal together without phones, taking a 20-minute walk around the neighborhood, or even playing a quick card game. The focus should be on presence and interaction, not on the activity itself.

It is also important to examine and gently disrupt your daily patterns. The habit of being on phones or watching separate shows creates physical proximity but emotional distance. You could jointly agree on small rituals, like a "no phones during dinner" rule or designating one evening a week for a shared activity, even if it is just watching a show you both choose and can discuss afterward. Consistency in these small actions is more powerful than occasional grand gestures.

Simultaneously, reflect on your individual emotional states. You mention working a lot and feeling anxious. Sometimes, personal stress or burnout can make us less available for connection, and we may project the need for our partner to fix that feeling. Consider whether you have hobbies or friendships outside the relationship that nourish you. A healthy relationship consists of two whole individuals; sometimes, focusing on your own well-being can indirectly improve the relationship dynamic by making you a more present and less needy partner.

Finally, understand that reconnection is a process, not a single event. If, after you initiate these steps, your girlfriend remains consistently unwilling to engage or acknowledge the issue, it may indicate a deeper misalignment in needs and commitment. In that case, the work might shift to understanding if you both want the same things from the relationship. However, starting with open communication and small, consistent bids for connection gives you the best chance to rebuild intimacy and move from roommates back to partners.