Psychologist Anna Heal

This is a very common and challenging situation, Maya. You are experiencing the stress of navigating multiple family relationships while trying to establish your own family unit's identity and values. The core issue revolves around boundary setting, which is a psychological skill that protects your well-being and your immediate family's autonomy.

First, it is crucial to internally solidify your position as a parent with your husband. You two are the primary decision-making unit. Schedule a calm, private conversation with him to align on your parenting philosophy and household rules. This unified front is your foundation. Acknowledge his feeling that you haven't backed him up; this is a chance to strengthen your partnership. Decide together what matters most to you both and where you might be flexible versus firm.

Regarding your sister and parents, you need to employ assertive communication. This means stating your needs clearly, calmly, and without aggression. Before the next gathering, you could have a one-on-one conversation with your sister. Use I-statements to express your feelings. For example, 'I feel hurt and judged when my parenting is discussed in front of everyone. I know you care about us, but our approach is what we believe is best for our child right now.' This focuses on your emotional experience rather than attacking her, which can reduce defensiveness.

During family events, prepare a few neutral, brief and firm responses to redirect criticism. Phrases like, 'Thank you for your concern, but we're comfortable with our decision,' or 'We've discussed this as a family, and this is what works for us,' can be effective. The key is to not engage in a lengthy debate, as that often escalates conflict. You can then change the subject. Your goal is not to convince them you are right, but to communicate that the topic is not open for public discussion.

It is also important to manage your own expectations. The desire to keep everyone happy is likely a source of your exhaustion and guilt. In reality, setting boundaries may initially disappoint or upset some family members. This is not a sign of your failure; it is a normal part of the process. You are prioritizing the emotional health of your marital subsystem and your child. Accept that some discomfort is inevitable as relationships adjust to new dynamics.

For the issue with your in-laws, your role is to support your husband. You can agree that when his parents offer advice, he will take the lead in responding, and you will verbally support his position. A simple, 'I agree with John on this,' or 'We've made this decision together,' shows solidarity. This shared responsibility can alleviate his feeling of being alone in the conflict.

Finally, practice self-compassion. Feeling caught in the middle is incredibly draining. Consider seeking support, whether through talking with friends in similar situations or even a few sessions of counseling to build your boundary-setting skills and reduce guilt. Remember, you are not failing; you are navigating a complex transition into being the head of your own family, which requires renegotiating old roles. The short-term tension of setting clear limits is often necessary for long-term, healthier relationships where your authority as a parent is respected.